This is dedicated to all those people who make this city a wonderfully crazy, uniquely iconic, and individually spectacular place to live. Here’s hoping that the New Year brings you continued success. You have my personal gratitude and greatest appreciation.
'Twas the night before New Year at my home in Lakewood,
My family was sleeping as best as they could.
The locals were shooting off fireworks galore
Despite making noises the neighbors abhor.
The patrons were heading to bars across town
With visions all blurry from drinks they had downed.
My wife bundled up and starting to snore,
I turned off the lights and locked the front door
When out on my lawn there arose such a wailing,
I grabbed something sharp for intruder impaling.
En route to the window I tripped on a toy,
Swore under my breath and cursed at my boy.
My view was impaired by plastic shrink wrap
Since my windows won’t close weather-tight worth a crap.
But what to my wandering eyes did appear
But a small furry creature consumed with great fear.
Though it wasn’t a possum, a dog or a cat,
But instead a small chimp that I looked at
More rapid than eagles it flew up my tree,
It screeched and it bellowed and continued to flee
To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
It dashed to the rooftop without chance it’d fall.
I heard on the roof quite a scratch, quite a scrape,
His little paws pacing, destroying my slate.
As I looked for my phone to call Animal Control,
Down the chimney he came with a casual stroll.
As I straightened my head and was turning around,
A guy lept to my porch, up the stairs with a bound.
Not bothering to knock, he kicked in the front door
Then looked around anxiously scanning the floor.
His eyes how they twinkled – obviously drunk.
His cheeks were like roses; he smelled like a skunk.
His long hair was flowing as white as the snow.
His years of carousing were starting to show.
He had a broad face and quite the beer belly
That shook when he moved like a bowl full of jelly.
With a glint in his eye and turn of his head,
“Have you seen my monkey?” is all that he said.
Not waiting for me, he went back to his work.
As I turned on the lights he stopped with a jerk.
Now clutching a net, he steadied his pose,
For he saw the poor chimp, in the corner it froze.
He sprang toward his prey, with his catch he did cheer,
“I captured him boys, now let’s get outta here!”
As I tried to inquire rationale for this plight,
He ran up the street yelling, “Just wait 'til midnight!”
Later that eve as the clock struck twelve bells,
I awoke to the sound of great cheers and loud yells.
I turned on the news to see what was the matter
and saw my intruder had created the clatter.
And I heard him exclaim as the police grabbed him tight,
“The fire is contained! Everything is alright!”
And although it’s tradition, I can’t help but sneer.
Isn’t there a safer way to kick off the year?
by Bret Callentine.
_________________ Jim O'Bryan Lakewood Resident
"The very act of observing disturbs the system." Werner Heisenberg
"If anything I've said seems useful to you, I'm glad. If not, don't worry. Just forget about it." His Holiness The Dalai Lama
Jim O'Bryan
Post subject: Re: the end (of the year at least) is near
It would appear that local merchants are now starting to buy, market and capitalize on the Burning Monkey Festival. This is in the window of Lion And Blue in DowntowN Lakewood, Ohio.
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_________________ Jim O'Bryan Lakewood Resident
"The very act of observing disturbs the system." Werner Heisenberg
"If anything I've said seems useful to you, I'm glad. If not, don't worry. Just forget about it." His Holiness The Dalai Lama
Jim O'Bryan
Post subject: Re: the end (of the year at least) is near
A little Lego Monkey with a flame sent in by little Bobby! Very touching.
I would like to thank Bobby and his parents for burying the hatchet, and not pursuing legal actions against those that stage the Burning Monkey Festival It is clearly what this event is all about. Releasing and burning off the bad JuJu of the last year while welcoming in the good for the coming year.
However, we cannot allow Bobby to light this year's monkey! Sorry.
PLEASE CHILDREN DRESSED AS MONKEYS WILL NOT BE ALLOWED INTO THE IGNITION/LAUNCHING AREA. There will be nearly no exceptions to this rule! Now called the Bobby Rule.
Reminds me of...
.
_________________ Jim O'Bryan Lakewood Resident
"The very act of observing disturbs the system." Werner Heisenberg
"If anything I've said seems useful to you, I'm glad. If not, don't worry. Just forget about it." His Holiness The Dalai Lama
Jim O'Bryan
Post subject: Re: the end (of the year at least) is near
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oh jimminy jeeeeez-------not another monkey assassination!!!!!!!
I certainly hope Fire Marshall Gillman is monitoring this thread
