The Worst Article Since the Invention of Movable Type

No, I am not getting into the business of editorial review; I’m just testing out a theory. Before I get started, let me ask you something: How many of you are reading this simply because of the title? Be honest. Thank you. You just proved the point. When it comes to advertising, sex sells, but when you get into the business of news, the time honored tradition is…“If it bleeds, it leads.” And if you think you’re above it, ask yourself whether you would have continued reading if the title was “Not my best effort, but still worth a glimpse”? Yeah, I thought so.


You know what burns me out faster than anything else? It’s the seemingly endless barrage of doomsday prophecies that get air time and print coverage. I remember as a kid being taught the grim totality that was the only inevitable outcome of nuclear proliferation. “Duck and cover”? My Butt! We all knew there was no way to survive such an attack, so instead, we spent our time practicing the poses that we wanted our shadows to leave indelibly etched onto the wall behind us when the bombs went off.


Well, if you spend any time watching the network coverage of the presidential election, you would think we’re faced with an eerily similar and just as devastating choice of action. If I vote for McCain, we’ll apparently be at war with Iran in a matter of minutes. If I vote for Obama, the government will immediately seize my house, divvy up my property and re-distribute my net worth amongst all my neighbors. And, if Sarah Palin has access to the power of the White House, in no time at all, she’ll be roasting moose overtop all the books she’ll start burning. My goodness, if I don’t choose properly, the country could institute Sharia Law, my son will get drafted, and OPEC will start drilling in my back yard.


Apparently, this is not only an election that will determine our next President, but it’s a choice that might kill millions, bankrupt entire nations, and destroy the very nature of humanity. Wow, no pressure there.


Since when did this country become so delicate that the political aspirations of a single person could threaten to tip the balance of power so irrevocably? Even if John McCain was so “pro-life” that he would personally strap a bomb to his chest and walk into a Planned Parenthood clinic, it does nothing to relate to the incredibly long laundry list of events that have to transpire to change Roe v. Wade. First, he would need to replace several Supreme Court justices, which he can’t do unless they independently agree to retire or step down, and, which he can’t accomplish without Senate confirmation. Next, he would have to get a new law passed, again needing the support of the legislative branch of government. Then he would need to have a specific legal case successfully run the gambit of local, state, and federal courts. Now, even if this was McCain’s intent, do you really think that he could not only pull it off, but get it done during the course of his limited administration? Not likely, and certainly not without the backing and support of an overwhelming majority of the population.


In all honesty, I think Obama has a better chance of instituting the principles of Marxism than McCain does of killing feminism. After all, Americans, in my opinion, are much more susceptible to agreeing to fiscal changes than moral limitations. But don’t get me wrong, in no way do I think that we’re on the brink of having long lines for toilet paper. And even if he were the “messiah”, I don’t think he could single-handedly eradicate the essence of American capitalism that’s brought us things like NASCAR, 70" flat panel TVs, and the all-you-can-eat buffet.


Come on people, how gullible are we as a nation when we continue to buy into this line of hatred and fear fed to us by the media and all the political machines? Is the nation better off now than it was four or even eight years ago? Maybe not, but that’s a far cry from believing that we’re teetering on the brink of self destruction. This type of political warfare only leads to a more divisive country. And once you go down that path, there is no alternative outcome that can leave you feeling good after the election.


I think that on the whole, we, as Americans have lost a sense of the inherent responsibility of being an American. After all, elections alone aren’t what make this democracy strong. The strength of this country, and the aspect that at one time made us the envy of other nations was the notion that we were all willing to work together toward a common goal of prosperity, regardless of who was at the helm. If you honestly believe that you cannot survive the outcome of the election, then perhaps you should step outside and start practicing making shadows on the wall. Otherwise, take a deep breath, cast your vote, and prepare yourself to fully support this country regardless of the result.

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Volume 4, Issue 21, Posted 1:40 PM, 09.20.2008