Ode To Creative Delinquency

This is dedicated to all those people who make this city a wonderfully crazy, uniquely iconic, and individually spectacular place to live. Here’s hoping that the New Year brings you continued success. You have my personal gratitude and greatest appreciation.

'Twas the night before New Year at my home in Lakewood,

My family was sleeping as best as they could.

The locals were shooting off fireworks galore

Despite making noises the neighbors abhor.

The patrons were heading to bars across town

With visions all blurry from drinks they had downed.

My wife bundled up and starting to snore,

I turned off the lights and locked the front door

When out on my lawn there arose such a wailing,

I grabbed something sharp for intruder impaling.

En route to the window I tripped on a toy,

Swore under my breath and cursed at my boy.

My view was impaired by plastic shrink wrap

Since my windows won’t close weather-tight worth a crap.

But what to my wandering eyes did appear

But a small furry creature consumed with great fear.

Though it wasn’t a possum, a dog or a cat,

But instead a small chimp that I looked at

More rapid than eagles it flew up my tree,

It screeched and it bellowed and continued to flee

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,

It dashed to the rooftop without chance it’d fall.

I heard on the roof quite a scratch, quite a scrape,

His little paws pacing, destroying my slate.

As I looked for my phone to call Animal Control,

Down the chimney he came with a casual stroll.

As I straightened my head and was turning around,

A guy lept to my porch, up the stairs with a bound.

Not bothering to knock, he kicked in the front door

Then looked around anxiously scanning the floor.

His eyes how they twinkled – obviously drunk.

His cheeks were like roses; he smelled like a skunk.

His long hair was flowing as white as the snow.

His years of carousing were starting to show.

He had a broad face and quite the beer belly

That shook when he moved like a bowl full of jelly.

With a glint in his eye and turn of his head,

“Have you seen my monkey?” is all that he said.

Not waiting for me, he went back to his work.

As I turned on the lights he stopped with a jerk.

Now clutching a net, he steadied his pose,

For he saw the poor chimp, in the corner it froze.

He sprang toward his prey, with his catch he did cheer,

“I captured him boys, now let’s get outta here!”

As I tried to inquire rationale for this plight,

He ran up the street yelling, “Just wait 'til midnight!”

Later that eve as the clock struck twelve bells,

I awoke to the sound of great cheers and loud yells.

I turned on the news to see what was the matter

and saw my intruder had created the clatter.

And I heard him exclaim as the police grabbed him tight,

“The fire is contained! Everything is alright!”

And although it’s tradition, I can’t help but sneer.

Isn’t there a safer way to kick off the year?

Read More on Perspective
Volume 6, Issue 25, Posted 4:20 PM, 12.14.2010